(me.)
Lesbian, Gay, Trans-gender, Bi-Sexual are titles that i feel our community has adopted to make us all come together as a collective so we are mobilized in the fight for acceptance, equal rights and fair treatment. I am proud to align myself with those categories while recognizing really that for me...it doesn't really cover it! Mainly because i am still growing, still developing an understanding of who I am and how I came to be this person.
When i was growing up in Zimbabwe (where i lived until I was 14) i remember not really having a concept of what being gay meant let alone any idea of exploring my sexuality, yet at the same time i was aware of a sexual interest, mostly from older men, frightening as it was i understood it but i had no name for it and what it meant. one time i remember reading at article in an South African tabloid which featured a lesbian couple, getting married! I felt puzzled although something deep in me related to them I simply had no basis of understanding of what was going on, the effect was that i compartimentalised it into "thats what white people do, over there!!!" and went along my merry way. After my first sexual encounter with another boy, it didn't dawn on me that i was gay. It seemed though that at this catholic boarding school atop a mountain in rural Zimbabwe, everyone else knew, but as our people are wont to do, they quietly acknowledged it and no word was ever uttered to me.Migrating to England in my early teens was a rude awakening. Along with the snow and the multicultural metropolis I also quickly absorbed the labels and what they meant. At school i was bullied into submission into these labels and a personal fight ensued between those labels and my intense catholic faith and i got lost in further confusion for a few years. My body also changed, rather than the leonine arrival of manhood, breasts began to sprout out and hips to round and curve and my skin to take on the kind of feel I had only ever seen on a fruit bowl (plums to be precise) but merrily I marched on, praying along the way in the hope that it would all make sense one day. My grandmother on a rare visit from Zimbabwe issued a stern warning about not doing 'that sort of thing', it fell on confused ears.Post surgery to remove my now petruding little breasts, and hormone treatment to boost my low level testosterone I emerged a MAN in my mid twenties, sexually rapacious, and yet the Gay label still did not fit. I quickly realized that sleeping with other men does not define who you are, at that stage it was a need being met, something had to change for that label to make sense to me. It took time to realize that i am just like everyone else, constantly evolving, and those sexual encounters change according to who I am. If I am going through a female 'phase' encountering sex with men am I not gay? I can call myself gay but only if it does not limit me to being just a sexual being because, really after many times at it, it is too inconsequential an act for me to use as a basis of labeling myself or basing my identity. Maybe Trans-gender might also go some way to addressing myself, as one's own feeling in oneself which I like to see as sensuality is a big part of the labeling. Added to this is my perception of the world and indeed my faith, my occupation (how i choose to spend my time), my family and my relationships but not just sex that constitute the basis of my idea of my self. Yes, I sleep with men. I am working to make the sex a part of a valuable, beautiful and sustaining relationship even with a woman. You might call this being gay. I will join you in keeping the labels active for what they can get our community and the rest of the world. But as I turn the key into my home, I will continue to be educated about my personal experiences, feelings, relationships, sensuality and my faith to lead me to who I am. Its kinda private non?Tonderai Munyevu